This was typed by Lucy, Foxhidden, and Amanda, mere humans, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

In the interest of finishing the transcripts faster, screen caps will no longer be placed on the transcripts. You can find screen caps at the following websites:
Desperate Housewives
Wisteria Lane
The Suburbs

If you know of any other screen caps sites, please e-mail them to me: (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)

Guest stars
"Andrew Van de Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Danielle Van de Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Matthew Applewhite" - Mehcad Brooks
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Caleb" - Nashawn Kearse
"Lucia"- Maria Conchita Alonso
"Felicia Tilman" - Harriet Sansom Harris
"Mrs. McCluskey"- Kathryn Joosten
"Dr. Ron McCreadie" - Jay Harrington
"Noah Taylor" - Bob Gunton
"Detective Sullivan" - Nick Chinlund
"Xiao Mei" - Gwendoline Yeo
"Charlene"- Jo Marie Payton
"Justice of the Peace" - Gil Christner
"Man" - David Lee Garver
"Main Opera Singer" - Carlo Michael Mancini
"Tony" - Dominic Pace
"Waiter" - David Pevsnor
"Dr. Whitney" - Maura Soden

Written by: Dahvi Waller
Directed by: David Grossman

Susan's Dining Room

Susan is sitting at the table smiling and doodling a picture of a stickman hanging in a noose.

"Susan Mayer had always believed the punishment should fit the crime."

Flashback - Susan's Laundry Room

"She first came to this conclusion when she discovered her husband Karl had been unfaithful."

Susan takes Karl’s shirt out of the dryer and finds lipstick on the collar.

Flashback - Susan's Garage

"Since Karl had destroyed the love she had given him..."

Susan puts Karl’s trophy in a vise and starts pounding it with a hammer.

Flashback - Susan's Backyard

A pair of men’s dress shoes are on a barbeque. Susan sprays lighter fluid onto the shoes. They burst into flames and Susan smiles.

"Susan felt it was only appropriate she destroy the things he loved in return..."

Flashback - Susan's Car

Susan runs over Karl’s golf clubs carefully placed on the curb so each is bent in half.

"...one by one."

Susan smiles as she crushes them.

Present - Susan's Dining Room

"But now, three years after their divorce, Susan was reunited with Karl once again..."

Susan is still sitting at the table, doodling and smiling.

Karl: "Susan, are you listening to me?"

"As partners in a crime of their own."

Karl: "This is insurance fraud. We could both go to jail. Now we can't tell anyone we're getting married.
Susan: "I know. I was listening to you."

Julie is sitting at the table with Susan and Karl.

Karl: "Now the pre-nup's all set. You can sign it at the courthouse."
Susan: "Eleven-thirty, Wednesday morning. Right?"
Karl: "Right. And your surgery's still on for Thursday?"
Susan: "Yep."
Karl: "Good. The insurance kicks in the minute we say ‘I do.’ You're set to go."
Julie: "I know no one's asking me, but I think this whole thing is a tragic mistake and I just don't have it in me to survive another ugly divorce."
Susan: "Don't worry, honey. This time, it is strictly a business arrangement."
Julie: "It better be, 'cause if I see so much as one lingering gaze between the two of you, I swear I'll go to the insurance company and turn you in."

Julie walks upstairs.

Susan: "So, we shouldn't expect a wedding gift, huh?"
Karl: "Oh, can you grab me your wedding ring? I wanna get it cleaned before the ceremony."
Susan: "Uh, is that really necessary? I mean, do we have to do the whole ring thing?"
Karl: "Of course we do. It's gotta look believable."
Susan: "Yeah, okay. Well, I'll just grab something out of my jewelry box."
Karl: "Susan, that ring was my grandmother's. One day it's gonna be Julie's. Where is it?"
Susan: "I don't know exactly."
Karl: "That was a family heirloom. I trusted you with it."
Susan: "Well, I trusted you not to cheat on me and break my heart."
Karl: "Oh, my god. Oh, my god. What, what did you do with it?"
Susan: "I threw it out my car window somewhere on route seven."
Karl: "What? When?"
Susan: "The night you abandoned me."
Karl: "Suz—"
Susan: "Karl, you are so not allowed to get angry. I mean, I might've been the one to throw away the wedding ring, but you threw away the whole marriage. There was plenty of bad behavior that went on back then, so just get off your high horse. We're on the same page now, so we should just focus on that."

Highway

Susan is running a metal detector over the brush on the side of the road as Karl stands by his car watching her.

"Yes, Susan Mayer believed the punishment should fit the crime."

Susan: "Karl, I think there might be snakes in here."
Karl: "We're not leaving here until you find that ring."

"But for that matter, so did Karl."

Opening Credits

Leonardo's Bar and Grille

A waiter is singing opera.

"It was a tradition at Leonardo's Bar and Grill, an hour before closing time, a waiter would sing a selection of ridiculously depressing Italian arias."

Bree, all dressed up, sits at a table listening, in tears.

"It was also a tradition that the only customers who would actually listen were the ones already depressed to begin with."

A waiter hands Bree a napkins for her tears.

Bree: "Tony? Do you have to rush off? I thought maybe we could just chat for a minute."
Tony: "So, I haven't seen you in a while."
Bree: "Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist."
Tony: "Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists."
Bree: "I didn't have to. He committed suicide."
Tony: "Look, you've had a little too much wine tonight. How about I call you a cab?"
Bree: "Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm okay."
Tony: "Your car would be safe in our lot, and you can pick it up tomorrow. Please."
Bree: "Well, okay. Tony? How many more arias is he gonna sing?"
Tony: "Five."
Bree: "Oh. In that case, why don't you bring me another bottle of the Pinot Grigio? And please hurry."

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

A cab pulls up in front of Bree’s house. Bree gets out. She can barely walk straight. She drops her keys in the grass. She kneels down to pick them up.

Wisteria Lane - Daytime

Mrs. McCluskey is out for a morning walk and sees Bree lying face-down on the grass. She kneels next to her and tries to wake her.

Mrs. McCluskey: "Bree? Bree.You okay?"

Mrs. McCluskey gets a wiff of Bree’s breath. She gets up and rings Bree’s doorbell.

Andrew: "Yes?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Hi. Uh, did you know your mother is asleep on the lawn?"
Andrew: "Oh, wow."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Yeah, well, you don't seem terribly shocked."
Andrew: "Oh, it's, um, it's just, mom drinks, and sometimes she sleeps it off in the weirdest places."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Can I help you with her?"
Andrew: "No. No, it's okay. I, uh, I know how to take care of her."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, good luck to you then."

Mrs. McCluskey walks away. Andrew turns on the sprinklers. Bree jumps up, shrieking.

Andrew smiles and walks back into the house. Bree grabs her wrap and runs inside.

Lynette's House - Daytime

Lynette is putting Penny in the playpen while the twins play a portable piano.

Porter: "I wanna play chopsticks."
Preston: "Me too."
Lynette: "You okay?"

The doorbell rings.

Lynette: "I'm coming!"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Hi."
Lynette: "Hi."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Your kids, they have any allergies I should know about?"
Lynette: "Uh, not that I know of. Why?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "'Cause I'm watching them. Tom called, said you both got pulled into work for the weekend, asked me to baby-sit."
Lynette: "Really?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "I thought it'd be nice if I gave 'em back to you alive."
Tom: "Oh, hey, Mrs. McCluskey." (to Lynette) "Sorry, I forgot to tell you."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Hi."
Lynette: "Oh, that's okay. Um, would you excuse me just for a second? I have, uh, a thing."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Sure."
Lynette: "Thanks." (to Tom) "Follow me. You're part of the thing."

They walk into the laundry room.

Lynette: "A million teenagers in this neighborhood and you hire McCluskey?"
Tom: "What's the big deal?"
Lynette: "Well, for starters, she's ancient!"
Tom: "Sh! This is a thin door!"
Lynette: "It was not that long ago that she keeled over in her front yard. A day with our kids will finish the job."
Tom: "It's only for a few hours. Plus, Parker's on a play date with the Farrells, so it's just the twins and Penny."
Lynette: "Just the twins and Penny?"
Tom: "Okay, that was stupid. Let me try that another way. We have to be at work in one hour. There's no day care on the weekends, so you cut McCluskey loose, we're stuck."
Lynette: "We will find someone. Someone who doesn't remember what they were doing the day Lincoln was shot."
Tom: "Fine. Let's go break the news."

They walk back into the living room. Tom keeps walking up the stairs.

Tom: "My wife has something to tell you."
Lynette: "So, here's the deal. Um, there was a little miscommunication and as it turns out, we don't need ya."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Okay. Fine. I'll just go back home."
Lynette: "Okay. Sorry."
Mrs. McCluskey: "By the way, your husband was right. It's a thin door."

Gabrielle's Driveway - Daytime

Gabrielle gets out of her car carrying many shopping bags. She looks up and sees Carlos standing in the window talking to a woman in a towel. She throws the packages down and runs into the house. There is a pitcher of wine and glasses set up in the living room. She runs upstairs.

Gabrielle: "Carlos, what are you doing?"
Lucia: "Hello, Gabriela."
Gabrielle: "Oh. Hi, mom."

Gabrielle's Living Room

Lucia: "I just told Carlos I just had to take a shower. The man next to me on the plane weighed three hundred pounds and he sweated all over me. Ugh, it was so gross."
Gabrielle: "No, I'm just surprised you're here. It's Valentine's Day. Don't you and Mr. Hedgefund have plans? I know Carlos and I do."
Lucia: "No, I left Charles."
Gabrielle: "What? He was worth, like, six million dollars."
Lucia: "Money is not everything, Gabriella."
Gabrielle: "For some people, but we're talking about you now, mother."
Lucia: "You know, I can't believe this, I mean, I just went through a terrible breakup and the least you could do is pretend to care."
Carlos: "Well, of course we feel awful about it, don't we, Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, we're just sick about it."
Lucia: "Well, don't worry about me. Hmm hmm. I'll be okay. In fact, I bought myself a little gift to take my mind off my problems."
Gabrielle: "Really? What did you buy?"

Lucia stands up and pulls her robe open in front of Gabrielle.

Lucia: "New boobs!"
Gabrielle: "Whoa!"
Lucia: "No peeking, Carlos."
Gabrielle: "Okay, mom, put these away!"
Lucia: "My plastic surgeon gave me a great deal. Aren't they fun? Bye, Carlos."

Lucia goes upstairs. Carlos chuckles.

Carlos: "What? I think she's charming."
Gabrielle: "Okay, you can think she's charming. But don't forget for one second that she is a monster."

Susan's Kitchen - Daytime

Susan is scrubbing a ring with a very small brush.

Julie: "Did you get the gum out from under the diamond?"
Susan: "Mostly."

Dr. Ron comes downstairs.

Dr. Ron: "Morning."
Susan: " Hi! Happy Valentine's Day."

Susan drops the ring in a vase.

Julie: "Dr. Ron, did you spend the night?"
Dr. Ron: "Well, uh, yeah, I got kinda tired after the movie, so I asked—"
Susan: "It's okay. She knows that you make house calls."
Dr. Ron: "Oh. Um, so listen, I've got surgery till six. I'll get dressed and I'll pick you up at about seven. We have reservations at Chez Naomi."
Susan: "Great! I'll have a light lunch."
Dr. Ron: "And also, Dr. Cunningham's schedule opened up, so if you'd like, we can move up your surgery to Wednesday."
Susan: "Oh, I have a wedding that day."
Dr. Ron: "On a Wednesday?"
Susan: "Yeah. Uh, Wednesdays are becoming very popular with brides. It's like the new Saturday."
Dr. Ron: "Oh. Okay. Well, I'll see ya tonight. Bye."

Dr. Ron leaves.

Susan: "Your mother is a rotten, sneaky person."

Susan fishes the ring out of the vase.

Julie: "Look, I'm not too crazy about this whole fake marriage thing, but if you don't have that operation, you could die. So don't be so hard on yourself. You are a good person."
Susan: "Thanks, hon. That really helps. Okay, now I want you to go over and slip this ring to your father. And just so you know, if Edie catches you, I'm expecting you to swallow it."

Bree's Kitchen - Daytime

Andrew gets the milk from the refrigerator as Bree walks in wearing her bathrobe.

Andrew: "How's the hangover?"
Bree: "I do not have a hangover, Andrew, because I was not drunk."
Andrew: "Then, uh, how about a little hair of the dog? It'll perk you right up."

He pulls out a bottle of wine.

Bree: "Look, for the record, I had an allergic reaction to my antihistamine medication, so I would appreciate just a little bit of sympathy."
Danielle: "Why can't you just drink alone in your room like Tammy's mom?"
Bree: "For god sakes, it was an honest mistake. I thought I could have just a little bit of wine with dinner, but, apparently, my body couldn't handle it. Fine! If it makes everybody happy, I will just suffer through my sneezing fits and my hives on my own."

She throws the pills into the sink.

Bree: "There. Is that better?"
Andrew: "So basically you would rather drink than to not have allergies?"

The doorbell rings. Bree opens the door.

Lynette: "Hi. Is now a bad time? I could really use a favor."

The twins and Penny in the stroller are standing in front of Lynette.

Paul's House - Daytime

Zach is staring at the wedding picture of his parents.

Paul: "She was beautiful, wasn't she?"
Zach: "Yeah."
Paul: "Come on, sit down. Your breakfast is getting cold."
Zach: "Was my real mother beautiful?"
Paul: "Well, she was, uh, attractive, as I recall."
Zach: "Do I look like her?"
Paul: "I don't know. I, I only met her once."
Zach: "Well, 'cause if I don't look like her, then I might look like my real dad."
Paul: "I'm getting real tired of your morbid fascination with two strangers who didn't love you enough to keep you. So, please, stop asking about them."
Zach: "It's only natural that I'd wanna talk about my birth parents."
Paul: "Well, it may be natural, but it certainly isn't polite."

Noah's Bedroom

Noah is lying in bed looking at the police photos of the bones found in the trunk.

Detective Sullivan: "And once your daughter was dead, they had to get rid of her somehow. That's where the toy chest came in. Flash forward fifteen years, the chest washes on the shore of Rockwater Lake. Any forensic evidence is long gone and the Youngs get away with murder. Now, of course, the wife, Mary Alice, is already dead, but Paul Young's a different matter. If you'd like me to deal with him, just say the word."
Noah: "Delfino's bringing my grandson here. I wanna get the kid something. You know anything about those MP3 things?"
Detective Sullivan: "Yeah, they're real nice. I'd go with that."
Noah: "Ah, he's probably got one already. Paul Young has had sixteen years to get my grandkid anything he wants. Do me a favor, will ya?"
Detective Sullivan: "Yeah."
Noah: "See to it that Paul Young has a toy chest of his very own."

Mrs. Tilman stands outside Noah’s door, eavesdropping.

Edie's Living Room

Edie calls up the stairs to Karl, who's lying on the bed, watching TV.

Edie: "Karl!"
Karl: "Yeah?"
Edie: "This place is a freakin' pigsty. Would you get down here and help me?"
Karl: "All right, hold on, it's almost halftime. By the way, I made dinner reservations at Chez Naomi tonight, if that's okay."
Edie: "It's gotta be better than that rathole you took me to New Year's. And don't even think of getting me carnations again. That crap might have flown for Mayer. I actually have taste. Come on! Move it!"

Edie begins straightening up Karl’s briefcase and sees the engagement ring and the pre-nup agreement.

Karl: "All right, I'm coming."

Edie runs upstairs.

Edie: "No! No, no, no. Sit and watch the game. I was just giving you a hard time. You've had a tough week."

Bree's House - Daytime

The twins are banging on the portable piano. Bree comes into the room carrying Penny.

Bree: "Boys, can you just keep it down just a little bit? Because I have a very, uh, special type of grown-up headache."
Porter: "We need to see mommy and daddy. We wanna play 'em our song."
Bree: "Honey, you can't. They're at work."
Preston: "Well, can we play it for you?"

They begin banging on the piano. Bree grabs it from them.

Bree: "Sure. Just, just a moment, okay?"

Bree sits down on the couch with a glass of wine and still carrying Penny.

Bree: "Oh. All right, boys, let's have it."

The twins begin banging on the piano and Bree drinks her wine.

Doctor's Office

A doctor is talking with Gabrielle and Carlos.

Doctor: "When I heard that you two wanted to try for another child, I was delighted. But I had some cause for concern. Gabrielle, you suffered some extensive injuries during your fall last month and the test confirmed there are complications."

Gabrielle's Dining Room - Daytime

Gabrielle, her mother, and Carlos are sitting around the table eating as Xiao Mei serves food.

Lucia: "You can't have kids?"
Gabrielle: "Well, the doctor's not a hundred percent positive, but it's very, very iffy."
Lucia: "Carlos, I am so sorry. I know how much you wanted to be a dad."
Carlos: "Thanks."
Gabrielle: "Don't be so suicidal. We can always adopt."
Carlos: "I wanted to have a child of our own. You know that."
Gabrielle: "What does it matter whose D.N.A. it is? The diapers are still gonna smell the same regardless."
Carlos: "I'd just prefer not to adopt. Okay?"
Gabrielle: "Fine. What about surrogacy? I mean, I know it's pricey, but at least the baby would look like us, and I wouldn't get stretch marks. It's a win-win."
Carlos: "Great. So then we have some stranger off the street giving birth to our child. Is that what you really want?"
Gabrielle: "What I want is for you to lighten up. We don't have a lot of options and you're gonna have to pick one."
Lucia: "I, I have a thought. Mm? Well, it's, uh, a little bit controversial, but, uh, go with me. Well, first of all, let me tell you, that I am in the best shape of my life."
Gabrielle: "So?"
Lucia: "So, what if I was your surrogate? Yeah, I know. I know it might sound a little crazy, but I am the only one in the world that you can trust to put the baby's needs first. You know, I'll exercise more, I'll eat better—"
Gabrielle: "Mother, no!"
Lucia: "Why?"
Gabrielle: "Off the top of my head, you're on Medicare?"
Lucia: "I am only fifty...one. You know and there's this woman in England last year. She was sixty-three years old and she gave birth to her own grandchild."
Gabrielle: "Look, I don't care if she shot triplets out of her ass. It's not gonna happen. Can you believe this?"
Carlos: "How'd that England baby turn out? I mean, it didn't have, like, a big head or anything, did it?"
Gabrielle: "Carlos, you are not seriously considering this."
Carlos: "Well, think about it, Gaby. This way, the surrogate wouldn't be some impersonal incubator. There'd be a family tie."
Gabrielle: "I have a migraine. I'm gonna go lay down upstairs. Then when I get up, I hope we can all talk about this like rational human beings."

Gabrielle goes upstairs. Gabrielle turns back and sees her mother patting Carlos’ arm.

Lucia: "Carlitos, don't worry. Just give her time. She'll come around."

Bree's Living Room - Daytime

Bree is passed out on the couch with Penny on her chest. One of the twins taps her trying to wake her up. He picks up Bree’s arm and lets go. Her arm flops back down to her side.

Outside Bree's House - Daytime

The twins push Penny in the stroller down the street.

Bree's Living Room - Daytime

Bree wakes up.

Bree: "Boys? Boys?"

She searches the house.

Bree: "Okay, we're done playing hide-and-seek! Boys?"

Bree runs to the Scavo house and bangs on the locked door. She runs down the street yelling down the street.

Bree: "Porter! Preston! This isn't funny!"

Outside Mrs. McCluskey's House

Bree approaches Mrs. McCluskey as she rakes her yard.

Bree: "Mrs. McCluskey, hi. Have you seen the Scavo boys?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "No, can't say that I have. Why?"
Bree: "I have something to tell them."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Ah."

Bree rushes off.

Advertising Agency

Lynette: "Have they signed the contract? 'Cause if not, someone should call Bednark and tell them to adjust the language."

Lynette’s cell phone rings.

Lynette: "I'm sorry. Hang on. Hello?"
Hairdresser: "Lynette Scavo?"
Lynette: "Yes."
Hairdresser: "I believe I have something that belongs to you."

The twins are playing with hair dryers as Penny sits quietly in her stroller.

Beauty Salon

Lynette and Tom come running in.

Lynette: "Hi. Excuse me. Hi. You called and you said my kids are here?"
Porter/Preston: "Hi, mommy!"
Lynette: "Oh, my god!"
Porter/Preston: "Dad!"
Tom: "Just what were you thinking, taking off like that?"
Lynette: "Honey, I was so worried about you."
Tom: "Get your stuff. Get your stuff right over here."
Lynette: "Thank you. Thank you so much.
Tom: "Stay right here."
Hairdresser: "I'm just glad I found 'em and not some weirdo freak."
Lynette: "Oh, yes.Oh, yeah, me too. Thank you."
Hairdresser: "Because there are all sorts of crazy people out there. Drunks, perverts, molesters."
Lynette: "Yes! Yeah, no, I know."
Hairdresser: "No! You got really lucky. I mean, a different person might have called the cops or child welfare."
Lynette: "Well, uh, okay, I know how this looks, but I have to tell you, I left them with a very reliable baby-sitter."
Hairdresser: "Oh, yeah. You picked a real winner."
Lynette: "Are you judging me? Because if you are, you couldn't say anything..."
Tom: "Lynette, Lynette!"
Lynette: "What?!"
Tom: "Let it go. The kids walked for three miles to get here. We don't have a leg to stand on."
Lynette: "Well, thank you so much!"
Tom: "Here we go."

Lynette, Tom, and the kids leave.

Gabrielle's Kitchen

Gabrielle: "Hey, I don't know about you, but I am tired of all the tension around here, so I was thinking we could go shopping, have some fun. Then maybe later we can talk about the surrogacy thing, see if we can make it work."
Lucia: "Oh, Gabriella! Oh, you'll see, this is the best thing for the entire family."

Gabrielle's Car

Gabrielle pulls up in front of a hotel.

Lucia: "So, where's the boutique?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, it's in the hotel lobby. So go ahead, I'm right behind ya."
Lucia: "Okay."

Gabrielle’s mother gets out of the car. Gabrielle stays in the car and locks the doors.

Lucia: "What are you doing?"
Gabrielle: "I'm going home."
Lucia: "What? I thought we were gonna talk about how the surrogacy will work."
Gabrielle: "Here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna check yourself into the hotel and then tomorrow, you're gonna plant your childbearing hips on a plane, and you're gonna leave our lives forever."

Gabrielle pulls out a handful of cash and throws it at her mother.

Gabrielle: "I'm pulling out. Watch your boobs."

Gabrielle drives away.

Lynette's House - Daytime

Tom’s car pulls in the driveway. Bree comes running out of her house and runs over.

Lynette: "Come on out."
Bree: "Oh, thank god! I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. I was in the kitchen cleaning up after making cookies and I looked in the living room and they were gone."
Preston: "We tried to tell her we were going, but she was asleep."
Lynette: "You were sleeping?"
Bree: "I most certainly was not."
Porter: "Yes, you were."
Lynette: "Okay, all right, that lie just lost you another week of TV and video game privileges. That's two. You wanna keep talking and lose more? Then apologize to Mrs. Van de Kamp."
Porter/Preston: "Sorry."
Bree: "No, no harm done."
Lynette: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Gabrielle's House

Carlos is carrying Lucia’s bags.

Carlos: "Well, if you ask me, it's a pretty crappy thing to do. Did you even slow the car down before you pushed her out?"
Gabrielle: "Okay, first of all, no one asked you. And the only reason you care about my mother is because of that ridiculous suggestion she offered."
Carlos: "I think her offer to be our surrogate was very generous."
Gabrielle: "Generous? Don't you see the strings attached?"
Carlos: "What strings?"
Gabrielle: "The only reason she offered up her dusty womb is because she's screwed. Her latest sugar daddy gave her the boot, so mom needs a place to stay and money. So trust me, if she carried our child, we'd be footing the bill for years."
Carlos: "I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment."
Gabrielle: "Maybe, but you don't know her like I do."
Carlos: "Okay. You ran away from home fifteen years ago. Did you ever think to talk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your stepdad?"
Gabrielle: "It wouldn't have done any good."
Carlos: "How do you know that?"
Gabrielle: "Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro and she chose to look the other way."
Carlos: "But you never even gave her a chance to step up. You just ran away from home."
Gabrielle: "Because if I did, then she, we, there was a chance she wouldn't have believed me, and, and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me."
Carlos: "She's your mother and she loves you. I know it's been a very long time, but maybe you can talk to her about it now."
Gabrielle: "I'm getting her luggage back to her and that's the best I can do."

Paul's House

There's a knock at the door.

Paul: "What are you doing here?"
Mike: "There's something I need to talk to you about. It's important."
Paul: "There's nothing for us to talk about."
Mike: "Shut up and listen. Deirdre's father, Noah Taylor, somehow found out about Zach and he wants to meet him."

Zach is just walking into the room and stops when he hears Mike talking.

Paul: "Somehow found out? Like, maybe you told him?"
Mike: "Noah is no friend of mine. But he's very rich and powerful and he's terminal and he wants to meet his grandson before he dies."
Paul: "Absolutely not."
Mike: "Well, you'll be surprised, but I agree with you. Noah destroys everything he touches, and the last thing either of us wants is for this guy to get his hooks into Zach."
Paul: "What are we supposed to do?"
Mike: "You and Zach need to vanish. Just stay out of sight until nature takes its course with Noah."
Mike: "If we leave, we won't be coming back. You'll never see your boy again."
Mike: "I know."

Zach backs out of the room after overhearing this.

Chez Naomi

Edie and Karl are sharing a romantic meal. They kiss.

Edie: "Well, Happy Valentine's Day, my darling."

Across the room, Susan and Dr. Ron are also sharing a romantic meal.

Dr. Ron: "Isn't that your ex-husband?"
Susan: "Oh, yeah."

Susan waves at Edie.

Edie: "Apparently, they'll let anyone in here." (waves back) "Hi."
Waiter: "Your chocolate soufflés will be out momentarily."
Edie: "Oh, we didn't order soufflé."
Karl: "I ordered it as soon as we got here. It takes an hour to prepare."
Edie: "Oh, I really can't. I'm stuffed."
Karl: "No, no, no, this you'll wanna try. It's their specialty."
Edie: "I guess I'll have the soufflé. Can you excuse me for a second? I, um, I just have to powder my nose."

Edie gets up and goes to Susan’s table.

Edie: "I'm sorry to interrupt." (to Susan) "Your makeup is all smudged. Come with me. I'll fix it."
Susan: "What?"
Edie: "Come on, get up."
Susan (to Dr. Ron): "Sorry." (to Edie) "My makeup is smudged?"

Edie pulls Susan into the restroom.

Edie: "Get in here. I have some news that's probably gonna devastate you. But I wanted to be the first one to tell you."
Susan: "Okay."
Edie: "Karl is about to pop the question."
Susan: "You mean, like, marriage?"
Edie: "Hmm hmm! Oh, I hope I haven't ruined your Valentine's Day. Do you want a tissue?"
Susan: "No, no. I'm okay. I, I'm just surprised. Well, congratulations. What makes you think he's gonna propose?"
Edie: "Well, I, um, I was looking through his briefcase this afternoon and I found this ring. And so tonight he keeps pushing this ‘special dessert’ on me, so obviously, he's hidden the ring inside."
Susan: "A ring! What did it look like?"
Edie: "Oh, I don't know. Eighteen karat white gold, ten diamonds, engraved accents. I just got a quick peek."
Susan: "Oh, um, I think I know that ring. That's his grandmother's ring. It's a family heirloom. And, you know, he might just be having it cleaned or something."
Edie: "Except for one thing. Lying right next to it was a pre-nup!"
Susan: "Oh. Well, Karl is a lawyer, and it could just be a pre-nup for another client."
Edie: "Boy, jealousy is one ugly thing up close."
Susan: "Oh, no, Edie—"
Edie: "No, you know what? I'm gonna take the high road and, and I'm gonna ignore your nastiness. If you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my table and getting engaged."

Edie sits back down at the table with Karl. The waiter serves the soufflê. Susan comes out of the bathroom with a note in her hand. She stops the waiter.

Susan: "Oh, hi. Um, do you see that man over there? Dark hair, handsome. I need you to slip this to him without anybody noticing."

The waiter takes the note and gives it to the man sitting with a woman behind Karl’s table. The man opens the note, which reads: "Be careful! She thinks you're about to propose."

The man stands up, angry, and begins screaming at this date.

Man: "God, you never stop. I told you, I'm not divorcing my wife. I'm in this for the sex, and if you can't accept it, then go to hell."

The man walks out. Edie begins sticking her fingers in the soufflé.

Karl: "What the hell are you doing?"
Edie: "Well, I thought you said this dessert was special."
Karl: "When you put it in your mouth and eat it. What is wrong with you?"
Edie: "Well, nothing."

Hotel Room

Lucia opens her door dressed in a bathroom.

Lucia: "Carlos, what a surprise. Come on in."
Carlos: "I thought you could use your bags."
Lucia: "Oh, yes. Perfect timing. I just took a shower and needed something to change into. Here, leave it here. This is fine. Thank you."
Carlos: "Listen, do you have a minute? Um, because I need to talk to you about something."
Lucia: "Hmm, yeah, sure. Sit down. Talk as I dress. I'll leave the door open so I can hear you."

Lucia grabs a dress out of her bags and goes into the bathroom.

Carlos: "Look, I was, uh, I was thinking about your surrogacy idea."
Lucia: "Mm hmm."
Carlos: "And I think it could be the answer to all of our problems. That is, if you're still interested."
Lucia: "Yes! I mean, I am. but I, I just think that Gaby will never let it happen."
Carlos: "No, no. She can be convinced. I know it."

Lucia comes out of the bathroom.

Lucia: "Can you please zip me up?"
Carlos: "Huh?"
Lucia: "My zipper! It's stuck."

Carlos gets up and zips up the back of the dress.

Lucia: "You did that so fast. I know someone who works out."
Carlos: "As I was saying, I think the surrogacy idea could work, um, but you and Gaby are gonna have to mend some fences."
Lucia: "After such a long time, what is the point?"
Carlos: "Lucia, please, hear me out. There was a lot of stuff that Gaby went through when she was younger. A lot of stuff that you don't know about. And I think that if you went to her and asked her about it, then the two of you could finally get past it."
Lucia: "What stuff are you talking about, Carlos?"
Carlos: "Your second husband, Alejandro? When Gaby was fifteen, he assaulted her sexually."
Lucia: "Is that what she told you?"
Carlos: "Look, I know that it comes as a shock for you to be hearing it from me—"
Lucia: "Carlos, please, I am aware they had sex. But it was Gabriela who seduced him."
Carlos: "Excuse me?"
Lucia: "She was always jealous of me. You don't know how many times I caught her wearing my shoes, trying on my jewelry and I'd scream at her to leave my things alone, but no, she wanted whatever I had. Then one night, she set her sights on Alejandro. Believe me, no one got raped."
Carlos: "Lucia, she was only fifteen years old."
Lucia: "You know, a lot of men have left me over the years, and I never knew the reason. But when Alejandro left, I knew exactly why it happened. Gabriela made him fall in love with her. Oh, it took me so many years to forgive her."
Carlos: "You forgave her?"
Lucia: "But of course. I couldn't have offered to carry her baby unless I had."

Wisteria Lane - Nighttime

Karl is taking the garbage to the curb. Susan is hiding across the street.

Susan: "Karl. Karl! Come here! Why didn't you answer your damn cell phone?"
Karl: "I turned it off. What's going on?"
Susan: "Where's Edie?"
Karl: "She's upstairs. She's been in a pissy mood ever since we left the restaurant. I don't know what's wrong with her."
Susan: "She found the ring and the pre-nup in your briefcase. She thought you were gonna pop the question tonight."
Karl: "Oh, no."
Susan: "Oh, yes. You know, this whole fake marriage thing was okay when nobody was getting hurt. What are we doing? It's a lie! I lost Mike over a lie, and now I'm doing the same thing to Dr. Ron, and, and look at Edie. She was devastated. I don't think I can go through with this."
Karl: "You can't call off the wedding. How are you gonna pay for your surgery?"
Susan: "I don't know. You know, I'll just, I'll sell the car."
Karl: "Susie, this is your health we're talking about. We're getting married."
Susan: "Karl."
Karl: "No. Dr. Ron would be the first to say that you're doing the right thing. I'll figure out some way to handle Edie."
Susan: "How? How are you gonna handle Edie? That poor woman's dreams exploded in her face tonight. You know, it's not like you can just go out and buy her flowers and everything will be better."
Karl: "Then I'll propose to her."
Susan: "Well, that's a little extreme."
Karl: "Not really. I was probably gonna do it eventually anyhow. Obviously we're gonna have to get a divorce before I can actually marry her. But, uh, what?"
Susan: "Nothing. I just, I didn't know that you loved her like that."
Karl: "She's a great kid. Total package. What's the matter, Susie Q? Jealous?"
Susan: "No, of course not. Well, okay, this is good because you know, if this experience helped you to realize your true feelings, then, uh, then we did something good here."
Karl: "Yeah. I think we have. Come here."

Karl hugs Susan.

Susan: "I can't believe you thought I was jealous. It's not like I still have feelings for you anymore."
Karl: "You're right. I, I was just fooling around."

Gabrielle's House

Carlos comes home.

Gabrielle: "So? How did it go?"
Carlos: "Fine. I just dropped off the luggage and left."
Gabrielle: "Ah."

Carlos kisses Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: "What was that for?"
Carlos: "No reason. Hey, I was thinking, we should look into adoption."
Gabrielle: "Seriously? But I thought you wanted a kid with your own D.N.A."
Carlos: "Blood isn't everything."

Outside Lynette's House - Daytime

Lynette is bringing out her garbage. Mrs. McCluskey is across the street working on her yard.

Lynette: "Hey!"
Mrs. McCluskey: "I heard you lost your kids yesterday."
Lynette: "Yeah. It was cleared up. It was just a little confusion."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Uh, help me out here with something. What exactly is it you look for in a baby-sitter?"
Lynette: "Excuse me?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "Well, I may be ancient, like you say, but I've never gotten drunk and lost track of three kids."
Lynette: "What?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "I smelled wine on Bree Van de Kamp when she was looking for your boys."
Lynette: "That's ridiculous."
Mrs. McCluskey: "Is it? Yesterday I found her passed out on her front lawn, drunk as a skunk."
Lynette: "I've known Bree for years and years. There's no way she was drinking while baby-sitting my kids. So, just go spread your poison somewhere else. Okay?"
Mrs. McCluskey: "I just thought I'd do you a favor and let you know, that's all."
Lynette: "Okay, well, thanks."

Mrs. McCluskey walks away.

Outside Bree's House - Daytime

Bree is bringing out her garbage.

Lynette: "Hey. You, um, you recovered from all of yesterday's excitement?"
Bree: "Oh, truthfully, I haven't been able to get my mind off it. What a scare, huh?"
Lynette: "Yeah, although I still can't figure out how my boys managed to sneak past you."
Bree: "Well, you know how boys are at that age. They're escape artists"
Lynette: "Like lightning. It's just, Penny..."
Bree: "Penny?"
Lynette: "Well, I mean, I just don't understand how Porter and Preston managed to wrangle her into the stroller and then make it out your front door without you even noticing. I guess if you'd fallen asleep, it could've happened like that, I, I guess."
Bree: "You know, I think, um, I must have been cleaning the kitchen, and I, I just didn't hear them because of the noise from the dishwasher."
Lynette: "Look, I apologize in advance for how this is going to sound, but I have to ask. It's just gonna eat away at me. Were you drinking while baby-sitting my kids?"
Bree: "No! Ah, you know, I may have had just the tiniest little bit of Chardonnay."
Lynette: "Oh, gosh, you got drunk and you passed out."
Bree: "Lynette, if I close my eyes even for a moment, it's because of these antihistamines I've been taking."
Lynette: "Really? Is that why you passed out on your front lawn yesterday morning?"
Bree: "Now that you're speaking to me in a fairly accusatory tone, may I remind you that I was doing you a favor?"
Lynette: "You put my kids in danger and then you lied about it. Do you not get how big that is? Do you have some kind of problem with alcohol?"
Bree: "No! The only problem I have is with your children. They're incorrigible because you let them run amok. And if I hadn't drifted off, they would have waited until I was in the bathroom or stuck on the phone or upstairs doing laundry."
Lynette: "On any given day, how many glasses of wine do you put away?"
Bree: "I will not be spoken to like that. I just won't."

Bree walks away into her house. Lynette goes to Bree’s trash can and opens the bag. She starts taking out all the wine bottles.

"Now and then, we all need a little help, so we ask for small favors."

Justice of the Peace Office

Susan and Karl are getting married.

Susan: "Thanks. I owe you one."

"But it's always best to be wary of those eager to come to our rescue."

Justice of the Peace: "Well, go on. Kiss the bride."

Karl kisses Susan.

Outside Mrs. McCluskey's House

Tom is talking to Mrs. McCluskey.

"Because even the smallest of favors..."

Mrs. McCluskey: "Sure thing, Tom. I'd be happy to baby-sit for you. My, have you noticed how clogged my rain gutters are?"

Tom looks up at her rain gutters.

"...carries a price tag."

Hotel Room

A bellhop is taking Lucia's luggage out. Lucia is on the phone.

"Yes, everyone has an agenda."

Lucia: "I heard about your operation, Aunt Inez, and I'm jumping on a plane right now to come and help you out."

"No matter what they may tell us."

Lucia: "No, I'm happy to, and I'm prepared to stay as long as it takes."

Outside Bree's House

Bree comes out the door and looks down.

"And in those rare instances where there is no ulterior motive..."

On her porch are twelve wine bottles neatly lined up. A note is in one of the bottles.

"...we're so taken aback that we may fail to recognize the truth..."

Bree opens the note which reads: " Do you still think you don't have a problem?"

Lynette, across the street, is cleaning up her kids' toys on the lawn. Lynette stares at Bree, who stares back. Lynette walks into her house.

"...that a loving friend has just done us an enormous favor."

~ The End ~

This transcript was compiled and completed on March 5, 2006 by Amanda (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com) and Lucy.
Last Update: August 6, 2006

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